As I've grown older, I've begun to learn the game of love and how people manipulate others and how some people, if they are very lucky, find that someone that is respectful and treats them like a prince and/or princess. Those are the lucky ones... and then you have me.
There is a quote that has come to mean a lot more to me than I ever expected. The original: Her heart was a secret garden, and the walls were very high. However, since it still continually pertains to me, I change it to present tense. To me, this quote literally captures my entire being in one line.
What does the quote mean to me? Well, let me begin by saying that I have a lot of love to give to those I care about. For anyone that takes the time to get close to me and earns that place in my heart. My family, my best friends, my sorority sisters, my syands... they have all earned their place and I would do anything for any one of them and I care so much about them its unbelievable. And once I find that special someone, I know that I have so much love to give themmm. Thats the problem area though. See, I've always been the one, in most my relationships (friends, boyfriends alike) to put more effort into something and not receive much back. I don't mean to say that I expect a lot from the people I care and obviously I'm going to care about them just the same, but there was a point in high school that I started building this wall around my heart, and maybe that is why by the end I became so hard to get close to. I feel like the wall I have built up has become my defense mechanism because I had been hurt so many times that I start building protection to minimize the pain I would have to deal with. However this has also created an obstacle in getting close to me. I physically feel myself forming a wall between me and someone I start getting feelings for, and this has made it impossible to reach me at the barest level of emotion. My guard is literally always up. I feel like this is also the reason why its so hard for me to find anyone, because no one is patient enough with me to break down those walls. I finally realize that it is mostly my fault for letting my past get to me, but if you've been hurt so many times wouldn't you create mechanisms to protect yourself?
I felt like sharing this on valentines day not to but a grey cloud over today, but.. to say that even though this is what I am going through I still have hope and I am not gonna look at all those couples in disgust. I am genuinely happy for them that they get to experience something as magical as love. And I am hoping that one day I can let someone in enough to be able to share this day with them. But until then Im not going to be bitter and say its "single awareness day", Im going to enjoy the chocolate I get, and watch sappy romantic comedies, and just enjoy life. ^.^
Quote of the day: "If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minute a day because I never want to live a day without you." A. A. Milne.
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