Realizations

Hello my koalas, 

Happy Saint Patty's Day, for one, and also if any of you are not wearing green, I send a virtual pinch to you! 

haha ANYWAYS, this past week has been Spring Break for me, and I went back to my aunts and uncles house to spend time with family instead of flying home home. Anyways, while I was there, of course I was asked by almost everyone how school was and if I had made up my mind on a major, if I had finalized my plans for the future... Well, when I was answering them, I think I was just answering with the answer that I used to believe was true and the one they all expected or wanted to hear. However, now that I am back in school, I was thinking last night what would actually make me happy, what kind of career would actually make me wake up happy and excited to go to work that day. And I realized that I had to think back on my childhood to find what made me happy. I searched and searched and the results were not surprising to me. Ever since I was young I had always enjoyed entertaining people, whether it was on stage dancing, singing, acting, or if it was in speech and debate performing a 10 minute humor piece. I just enjoyed entertaining people. I like making a group of people feel something, interest them in something for even a few minutes if that was all I had prepared. This is when I realized that YouTube is actually something I want to start and I do want to get serious about it. I don't want to do it for the money, I genuinely want to create content for people to watch and enjoy, even if its just a short 3 minute video. That got me thinking, what do I want to do in the future and you know what, I still will pursue something in the medical field maybe. but if I could do anything I wanted, it would be something in the entertainment industry. I do realize though, that I am a freshman in college and many aspirations and a lot of interests to pursue. So to answer all those questions about my future truthfully, I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I want to be able to do something that makes me happy everyday and allowed me to spend time with my future family and have fun in life. It doesn't matter how much money as long as I have enough to support my family I will be happy. 

Quote: "We are learning, too, that the love of beauty is one of Nature's greatest healers."

Ellsworth Huntington

The wall I've built around my heart

As I've grown older, I've begun to learn the game of love and how people manipulate others and how some people, if they are very lucky, find that someone that is respectful and treats them like a prince and/or princess. Those are the lucky ones... and then you have me.

There is a quote that has come to mean a lot more to me than I ever expected. The original: Her heart was a secret garden, and the walls were very high. However, since it still continually pertains to me, I change it to present tense. To me, this quote literally captures my entire being in one line.

What does the quote mean to me? Well, let me begin by saying that I have a lot of love to give to those I care about. For anyone that takes the time to get close to me and earns that place in my heart. My family, my best friends, my sorority sisters, my syands... they have all earned their place and I would do anything for any one of them and I care so much about them its unbelievable. And once I find that special someone, I know that I have so much love to give themmm. Thats the problem area though. See, I've always been the one, in most my relationships (friends, boyfriends alike) to put more effort into something and not receive much back. I don't mean to say that I expect a lot from the people I care and obviously I'm going to care about them just the same, but there was a point in high school that I started building this wall around my heart, and maybe that is why by the end I became so hard to get close to. I feel like the wall I have built up has become my defense mechanism because I had been hurt so many times that I start building protection to minimize the pain I would have to deal with. However this has also created an obstacle in getting close to me. I physically feel myself forming a wall between me and someone I start getting feelings for, and this has made it impossible to reach me at the barest level of emotion. My guard is literally always up. I feel like this is also the reason why its so hard for me to find anyone, because no one is patient enough with me to break down those walls. I finally realize that it is mostly my fault for letting my past get to me, but if you've been hurt so many times wouldn't you create mechanisms to protect yourself?

I felt like sharing this on valentines day not to but a grey cloud over today, but.. to say that even though this is what I am going through I still have hope and I am not gonna look at all those couples in disgust. I am genuinely happy for them that they get to experience something as magical as love. And I am hoping that one day I can let someone in enough to be able to share this day with them. But until then Im not going to be bitter and say its "single awareness day", Im going to enjoy the chocolate I get, and watch sappy romantic comedies, and just enjoy life. ^.^

Quote of the day: "If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minute a day because I never want to live a day without you." A. A. Milne.

Homesick

So, since I've come back to Penn State, I've had a hard time adjusting back to school life away from home. The entire week I came back I struggled to be happy, I cried myself to sleep every night because I just couldn't sleep without crying. Waking up in the morning was a pain... I just wanted to be in the comfort of my own room, at my house in Arizona, in the warmth, and with my parents. I know I am 19 years old and I am technically an adult, but still... It was funny, I told my mom the night before I left that I thought it was funny how in the summer I was so excited to be leaving home that I was packed 2 weeks before I needed to leave and was ready to get out, and this second time its the night before I have to leave and I still didn't want to pack. My mom tried to comfort me, saying it was a part of growing up that everyone has to go through.

Eventually, being around the girls in my sorority and being with my friends from school made it easier for me, but still I can't seem to shake this feeling. I keep having trouble sleeping at night. I would say I'm jealous of those who don't get homesick and those who still can't wait to get out, however, I can't. I realize that the reason its so hard for me to let go of home and come to school like it doesn't faze me is because I am a very family oriented person and that I was lucky enough to have a great family growing up. Thinking about all those people that have not been lucky enough to have the best relationships with their parents and with their siblings breaks my heart. I can't imagine it and I am forever grateful that I have been blessed with the family that I have.

Anyways, I just wanted to write this because last night I got really homesick again, and almost couldn't sleep, but I calmed myself down and was able to.

I hope everyone has an amazing day and I'll check in later.

Quote: First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.- George Bernard Shaw

Youtube channel maybe?

Hello!!!!!

So as some of you may or may not know, I used to have a youtube channel that I posted a few videos on, however, they were really boring and not very interesting. So now as the new year has arrived, I have become more and more determined to start filming for a youtube channel. It doesn't really matter to me how popular it becomes, I would like to get thousands of views and subscribers, but mainly it will be a way for me to document the person I am and how I change throughout college and something for me to look back on when I'm older. I dont really know what its gonna be about yet. But I do have a few things in mind. Ill keep you all updated. :P hopefully it will happen.

Thats it for today. not many interesting things happening. haha

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Buddha

New years, New starts

Hello all,

So this is January 2nd, 2014!!! Can you believe it? It feels like 2013 just started and we are already in the new year. Time really does begin to fly when you get older. I feel like that is partially because we end up getting so caught up in what needs to be done and "there's so much to do, so little time" that we forget to breath and enjoy the little moments. That we forget whats its like to spend time with those we care about. Now... partially, I must admit is due to the fact that most people have bad time management. I am the perfect example, I waste my time procrastinating and then when it comes time to actually do something I always feel rushed. So this year Im going to try and stop that.

New years resolutions always made sense to me to make.... And I would succeed in making them. Thats about as far as I got. Its very disappointing because I had made all these plans that were very achievable and yet I hadn't accomplished a single one because I felt like there was always time to finish them later. SO... this year I have made a promise to myself that I will finish them. Every single one of them. In fact, I have made a reminder for all of them that require doing daily and I have made a list that I will look at every so often to make sure I am staying on track.

I realized that being a college student I have to start taking responsibility for my life's choices, as well as start making a plan for what I want to do in the future and what kind of life I want to live. So this year, I have made a resolution, to keep all the promises I make, no matter how hard it is. But it is part of being an adult right? You have to keep your word or else thats all they become, empty words, no meaning behind them. And I don't want that to happen. 2014 is the year that I will have full control over my life. Every little thing that happens I will take responsibility for. Also I will try to make this year the best year so far. Meaning I will make my relationships with my family and friends stronger than I have ever.

C ya l8r!!!!!!

Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.

Wally Lamb